Oh, Men aren’t doing well? We know.

Thoughts on where to from here

Only people who are hiding from basic awareness don’t know that men and boys are in poor shape at this time. It’s being written about in mainstream media, frequently discussed in schools and universities, talked about on daytime TV, so all nine people who still watch that stuff must also know. Boys are reaching high school senior year with lower literacy and numeracy rates than at any time in modern history. Fewer men are getting into college, making the college grad ratio 2:1 girls. This skews the dating game while in college, but causes long term damage for those boys entering adulthood without a university education. It messes up the business of finding a mate, as the educated women are unlikely to date men with high school diplomas. With rare exceptions, these men will earn less than the women, and will present as altogether less attractive and polished mating candidates than their educated counterparts. Oops.

Older men (50+) are alone and isolated. Lacking the friend network that women have, they drink too much, stuff their depression and disillusionment, and try to wear a brave face, but they’re not fooling anyone. The kids are up and out, the ex wife has found a wealthier and healthier man and is splitting her time between the suburbs and the beach property. He’s renting a drab apartment in the edge of town and driving Uber to pay the bills. He’s 58, hasn’t had a girlfriend in 5 years, and has no savings. Worse, he can’t point to a best friend or a group of besties who have each others’ backs come what may. Yikes.

While there may be a few angry man-haters celebrating this situation, most people see it as a sad trend, and one we should try to reverse. Almost nobody sees it as a good thing for society in general. Revenge for the Mad Men era may sound like fun, but does not benefit anyone, certainly not women.

The deficit is becoming multi-generational, as boys growing up without a father figure are suffering much more than their sisters in the same situation, growing into poorly adjusted young men unable to navigate complex and nuanced relationships, can’t remain confident yet kind and in charge when facing adversity.

I’ve been aware of this trend for over a decade, but only recently have I felt at risk of falling into its crevasse. I’m turning 63, living a healthy, active and energetic lifestyle. I’ve had — and still have — a fun, exciting career. After becoming a widower three years ago, I had a successful dating adventure and felt happy in love. Until six months ago. Something changed. This time around I’ve met many lovely women who are successful, but have not found love. Many women I know are happy and healthy, yet can’t find a man they would feel excited to be with. The men they’ve met are depressed, working hard for low pay, and may be in emotional pain after the breakup of the family. The women I know are not attracted to these men, and wonder where have all the hot 50+ men gone? Duh, I think they’re either still happily married, or the lucky few who have money are partying like it’s 1999, with all the women chasing them. Sounds fun, but it’s not a successful society in aggregate.

The numbers are depressing. Men of all ages are affected by the tilt, and we’re showing no signs of reversing or reducing the trend.

Education and Academic Performance

One of the most pronounced areas where the decline in male success is evident is in education. According to recent studies, boys are trailing behind girls in academic achievement at every level of schooling:

• College Enrollment: In the United States, women constitute 60% of college students, while men make up only 40%. Over the past decade, college enrollment has declined, with men accounting for 71% of this drop. This indicates not just a gender gap but a significant retreat from higher education among males.
• High School Graduation Rates: The gender gap in high school graduation is also notable, with boys being 6 percentage points less likely than girls to earn a diploma. This gap is even more pronounced among poor, minority, and immigrant boys.
• Academic Performance: Boys are less likely to be prepared for kindergarten, often displaying behaviors that can be sinterpreted as disruptive rather than developmentally normal, which affects their long-term educational outcomes.

Workforce and Economic Participation

The economic landscape has shifted dramatically, with traditional male-dominated sectors like manufacturing seeing a decline:

• Wage Decline: Men’s wages have decreased since 1979, particularly for those in the middle and lower income brackets. This economic retreat contributes to the narrowing of the gender pay gap not through progress for women but through regression for men.
• Job Participation: The number of men in the workforce has decreased, with fewer than 1 in 10 jobs now requiring heavy physical work, which historically provided employment for men.
• Job Market Adaptation: There’s a mismatch between the skills men traditionally learn and the demands of modern jobs, leading to higher unemployment or underemployment among men.

Mental Health and Social Issues

Mental health statistics paint a grim picture for men:

• Suicide Rates: Men account for two-thirds of “deaths of despair” (suicide, drug overdose, and alcohol-related fatalities). In the UK, 74.1% of suicides are men, highlighting a severe mental health crisis among males.
• Loneliness and Isolation: Posts on social platforms like X (formerly Twitter) often discuss the increasing isolation of men, with statistics indicating that men are less likely to have close friends or social support networks.
• Health Disparities: Men in the U.S. across all socioeconomic groups report poorer health outcomes than women. This includes higher rates of substance abuse, lower engagement with healthcare services, and a higher risk of “despair deaths” among middle-class Black men.

Cultural and Social Dynamics

The cultural narrative around masculinity has shifted, often leaving men feeling they have no clear role or value:

• Societal Expectations: Men are increasingly seen as unnecessary in societal roles like breadwinners or primary caregivers, leading to a crisis of purpose. This shift is reflected in the growing number of men who are not active parts of their children’s lives or who live in isolation from traditional family structures.
• Media Representation: From media portrayals to educational content, men are frequently depicted in less favorable lights, which can impact male self-esteem and societal integration.

A wave of rebirth needs to happen — what will and will not work.

The fall of men coincides with the end of the woke era. Millions of voters walked away from the 2024 Democratic presidential candidate and the ideological body she represented. It was a protest against identity politics and the victimhood offered to the downtrodden. The subtext was loud and clear: tell us how you’ll help working people and keep middle class families safe, or we’re gone.

To help men and boys find their place in the new landscape, we can’t be telling a victim story, and there must not be a villain who architected this mess. It has to be a profound admission by all of us, that we’re suffering and need to do things differently in order to get well. While we can’t be victims, we also must not be asking anyone’s permission to fix this. No, it’s just some shit we’re going to have to do for ourselves. Together.

The change needs to take the shape of a wave. A kind, confident, empathetic and self aware renaissance. It needs to nurture love, compassion, community and learning. Our success does not happen at someone else’s cost. We gradually learn to take care of each other, replacing rugged individualism and masculine competitiveness with rugged teamwork and masculine caring. Never mind that metrosexual thing and let’s not worry about criticism about toxic masculinity. The right kind of masculinity is attractive and necessary.

We will need to invent a new kind of capitalist micro-entrepreneurialism. Because working for the man is a dead end for most men, especially men who like to have fun and spend money. It will need to create a blend of passive income, community, investment and vision. Because driving Uber or Amazon isn’t going to cut it.

I have a secret weapon, potentially protecting me from the worst case.

I got sober in 2001 and have ever since lived in a cocoon of twelve step principles with sober people all around me. Sounds irrelevant, but it’s not. I don’t run and hide in a bottle when I’m afraid, and I don’t wake up ashamed or confused over what I may have said or done last night. Also, the honesty and openness of AA meetings and sober friend groups reduces the risk of total isolation. The spiritual principle of a non-religious higher power offers great strength and optimism and an opportunity to practice kindness.

Nevertheless, I’m occasionally finding myself in fear of falling into the world of scared, broke and lonely incel males. I trust in some strange higher power to walk me through today and remain optimistic, kind and compassionate, while working hard to pursue my career goals. My sobriety and my community are helpful, giving me the resilience and self esteem many men my age don’t have.

Our wave must transcend politics. And race. Not in a woke way. It needs to be truly inclusive, such that we actually don’t give a shit what your politics are. The demise of wokeness was its totalitarian demand that you agree with all of it, or be canceled. Our wave must be more single-minded and agnostic of all your ideas and beliefs. It must focus on men helping men be successful in work, friends and family. The beneficiaries are men, women, children, teachers, police officers, doctors, everyone.

Emotional intelligence is a fun cliché for us to blurt out, but for men 40+ it’s a rare thing, often defeated by high testosterone and low IQ combining forces to start fights or create competition among alpha males who could and should be on the same team. The men who will ride the new wave and return to relevance and meaningful responsibility in society are men who can calmly navigate adversity and nuance without getting upset, creating enemies and breaking the relationships in their lives. They will wish success and happiness on their rivals, almost as much as they wish it for themselves. Masculinity will no longer be toxic, it will be a necessary ingredient in a confident, competent and self-aware man who is learning skills — at any age — to be a valuable contributor to tomorrow’s society. Learning topics may have to begin with EQ, and from there will likely blend technology, social services, visionary investment and a good dose of courage.

None of what this wave creates will be detrimental to women. Never will men helping men succeed become an exclusion tactic blocking a woman’s success in the workplace or in business.

My personal hope is to be part of a resurgent wave of male relevance and positivity, regardless how small my contribution.