Dating adventures, and more pain

Telling on myself, hoping to help someone

Markokenya

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I’m in a world of pain, since my beautiful and devastatingly smart and kind and funny partner ended our relationship. I’ll offer some thoughts on our journey, my journey, and online dating, in the hope that some of this may be helpful to someone.

Backdrop

I lost my beautiful wife last December, after 17 years of blissful marriage, helping raise her two sons, many wonderful adventures, and some bad moments, we always loved and respected each other, never had to un-say or un-do a mean act. She survived a brain hemorrhage and was left in a seriously disabled state for two years, eventually dying of complications. I had been a lonely caregiver for two years and two months. I lost my company while taking care of her, unable to balance work and care. I was now alone and grieving, quite confused, and feeling that a companion would be a great thing to fill the empty in my life.

In January, my loneliness overwhelmed any thought of propriety or decorum, and I went on Bumble, Match and Tinder in search of a companion. It was a selfish motivation, as I had little to offer and a lot that I planned to take. The second woman I met was someone I liked, and she liked me. We had dinner, then went on a hike, then on our third date we walked our dogs on the ridge and found ourselves making out then having sex in a playful, happy and relaxed way. we continued this way for a month, until she decided to experiment with meeting and parting ways without having sex. She wanted to feel it wasn’t all about sex. The problem was, that it was. All about sex. We parted ways in a kind, loving and gentle way, nobody was hurt and we were only slightly sad that our story didn’t last longer.

The next few women I met were also very nice. Attractive, intelligent, fun to talk to, and interesting. But none of our meets and talks led to a relationship. I was obsessing, quickly deciding that this woman was the one, and that I wanted to be in a relationship with her after two meetings. Time after time, I was being dropped, in a kind and gentle way, because my date was…

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Markokenya

San Francisco geek, entrepreneur, wannabe economist, mediocre equestrian